Hot off the back of the “Adolescence” series, we promised an essential ‘part two’ because no
understanding of this series, and why it has touched us all so deeply, would be complete without
a little dive into “Incel culture.” So, let’s break it down.
What is “Incel Culture”?
“Incel” stands for “involuntarily celibate” — which, in teen speak, translates into (some) boy
speak for a guy who is rejected by girls. But it doesn’t end there. What is implied is the belief that
the “girl world” is to blame for the fact that incels are not popular with girls. We will say it again –
at the core of incel culture is the belief that girls are to blame, not just for the incel’s lack of
visibility with girls/sexual experience, but also for how these guys feel.
Some Incel “Truths
- ‘Lookism’ – the belief that your looks, your body type, and your genes determine howsuccessful you will be in life.
- ‘Hypergamy’ – the belief that 80% of girls will like/date/kiss (fill in the obvious rest) only 20% ofthe so-called cool guys, the good-looking guys.
- The good looking, well built guys are referred to as ”CHAD” guys while ”STACY” girls ar seen as attractive, shallow and money-grabbing.
- It is not just girls who are to blame for how the incels feel, but successful guys are hated on too for being, well, successful.
No surprises then that the online world has created spaces for boys who feel hurt and rejected to
feel ‘seen,’ ‘heard,’ and ‘understood.’ These online spaces become hiding places for our boys ,
echo chambers filled with anger, girl hate and a deep sense of resentment — towards young
girls, later, women, and more socially successful men.
Who is Who in the Incel Zoo?
Incels define themselves and others along a spectrum of ‘pills’:
- Blue pilled people – the average person who hasn’t yet seen the truth of how unfair the world is and how it really operates.
- Red pilled people who are starting to see how the world works – they are beginning to see that girls and women are not the ones having a hard time, it is boys and men who are really the oppressed part of the population.
- Black pilled people have seen the light – they know only conventionally attractive people will succeed, and for the rest, there are only two options – LDAR (lie down and rot) or turn to violence. And when they resort to violence, they are praised for “going E.R.” (and in case you are wondering, “Going E.R.” refers to the initials of Elliot Rodger, a man who wanted to punish women for rejecting him, and so he killed six of them and injured another four).
Why does this appeal to some our younger boys?
Life from about the age of ten, can as we know, be a minefield of insecurity, rejection, confusion,
and pressure. It is almost always a time of who is in, who is out, and who is hovering on the
borders of ‘maybe I will like you, maybe I will accept you or maybe I will ghost you, dismiss you,
shame you.” Some boys, especially those who feel isolated, socially awkward, anxious, or
“invisible,” may stumble across incel content while looking for belonging or answers. When they
are embraced by an online community, they feel relief, connected and understood.
The punchline: What starts as a search for connection in online spaces can spiral into an identity
built around bitterness and blame .
What Incel Culture Teaches (and why It’s so dangerous)
• That girls only care about looks or status .
• Pretty girls are mean .
• Encounters with women are transactional – “I smiled at you, why don’t you want to have sex
with me?”
• That some men are “doomed” to never be loved.
• That feminism is to blame for their suffering.
• That violence or revenge against girls (and cool guys) is justified.
• That asking for help is shameful.
Yes, it’s as dark as it sounds. But here’s the real kicker: sometimes these ideas show up subtly
— masked as dark humour, sarcasm, or “just memes.” They can seem edgy or ironic… until
they’re not.
SO, WHAT CAN PARENTS DO?
1. Create space for honest conversations
You don’t need to sit your child down for a TED Talk on Incel ideology. But you can check in with
your son (or daughter!) about their online experiences of it.
Don’t go in all at once – ask only one or two of these questions at dinner, in the car, while
pushing the trolley in Checkers. It’s not a test, it’s a chat.
Stay curious, if our t/weens sense our agenda, we will be met with eyerolls and monosyllabic
grunts .
What can I say?
- “Hey, I’ve been reading about this incels online. It’s seems pretty dark to me. Have you heard about them? I’d love to know what you think.”
- “So, this idea that girls are all just after ‘Chads’ and that guys are ‘doomed’ if they’re not good-looking… what do you make of that? Does the world feel like that to you ever?
- “Have you ever seen those ‘red pill’ or ‘black pill’ terms floating around? Do you knowwhat they represent? My understanding is that black pillers are who believe the world is very unfair for guys – can you fill me in?
- “This idea of going E.R is about guys who turn to violence because they feel rejected. Have you ever seen anyone online talking about that? It’s really disturbing.”
- “I know online spaces can be a place to vent, but some of this incel stuff feels to me like straight-up hate. What do you think about people blaming an entire group for their problems?”
- Some of the incel humour seem to start out just as memes, as ‘just jokes,’ right? But it
- gets really dark and people seem to buy into the culture quite easily. Do think it can can mess with how guys see themselves and girls?
2. Set tech boundaries that actually work
Digital life isn’t going away, but we CAN help our kids navigate it safely and put some boundaries in place- but this is a very overwhelming place for parents!
Sign up to our “Damn This Device” Mini Workshop: A practical workshop (4 x 15 minute videos) designed to help parents set tech boundaries that actually work. Sign up now to take back control of screen time, social media, and online influence.
3. Delay smartphones until High School:
Research shows that children are simply not psychologically or developmentally ready to have smartphones until until at least high school. Waiting until high school significantly protects kids’ mental health and social development. Most parents we speak to tell us that only reason they got their child a smartphone was because “my child was the only child in the class/grade without a phone.” We are so excited to be partnering with SFC-SA (Smartphone-free Childhood South Africa), who have launched the voluntary Parent Pact. The pact helps parents commit to delaying smartphones until high school, thereby removing the pressure parents feel to get children smartphones earlier than they would like.
4. Speak to their strengths
Rather than coming in with fear and judgment, appeal to your teen’s sense of fairness, courage,
and self-respect.
“I know you’ve got a good radar for what’s real and what’s toxic — trust that.”
“I love that you choose online spaces where people feel good about each other.”
5. Look out for subtle shifts
If your child becomes unusually withdrawn, starts making bitter generalisations about girls, or
becomes obsessed with “alpha/beta” hierarchy language, those are signs to gently dig deeper.
SO, WHAT CAN SCHOOLS DO?
Teach Media Literacy
At Klikd we recognise how overwhelming it is for parents and teachers to keep up with the rapidly evolving tech landscape. That is why part of Klikd Digital Citizenship Programme for Schools (For Grades 4 9), includes lessons dedicated to teaching learners about how to recognise inappropriate content and more importantly how to respond to it. We also send weekly updates to parents with scripts on how to talk to their t(w)eens about online (often toxic) influences.
If you would like more information on the Klikd Digital Citizenship Programme get in touch for a free demo: info@klikd.co.za.
The Bottom Line
Your child doesn’t need to be “deep in incel culture” for this to matter. Just hearing this rhetoric
once or twice — especially when they’re feeling vulnerable — can have an impact .
Keep the chats alive, stay curious, and never underestimate the power of your calm, loving
presence in a world that can feel anything but that.
With you all the way,
Sarah and Pam.
